A Gum Story
1. I woke up with gum stuck to my leg.
2. I forgot about it.
3. I took a shower.
4. I went to school.
5. I got home.
6. I took off my leggings.
7. I realized the gum was now stuck to my leggings.
8. I realized that I don’t chew gum.
9. I realized that the gum must have come from outside.
10. I amputated my leg.
Injuries Sustained Between Wednesday, August 2nd, and Friday, August 4th (In Order of Chronology and Almost in Order of Severity)
1. From getting hit by a car while riding my bike (full extent of my injuries (bike is another story))
2. From cutting hair
3. From Tallulah pulling a rope that was wrapped around my ankle, at at least 120 mph
4. From cat climbing up arm to escape dog
Things I Will Never Do Again After July 26, 2012
2. Eat crackers
Things That Happened in My Wedding Dream
1. I took the 7:00 am ferry to Staten Island with my dad
2. The ferry took an hour and a half
3. I realized I had forgotten my wedding dress
4. I realized I had forgotten my make up and everything else I was supposed to bring
5. I went into a huge room with hair stations to get ready
6. I wanted to wash my hair but I didn’t want my hair to touch the basin
7. I couldn’t go back on ferry because there wasn’t enough time
8. I tried to think of who had my keys to go get the dress
9. People started arriving
10. I looked around to see if anyone was wearing something that looked like a wedding dress
11. Allison was there but other than that it was all people that I didn’t really know—people from college whose names I couldn’t remember and people from high school who weren’t my friends
12. I spent some time freaking out in the room while my “friends” got ready
13. I found out that there was no food for the wedding but my mom arrived with one uncooked chicken
14. But she didn’t have my dress
15. I figured that if the wedding wasn’t going to happen I should at least go to work
16. I wondered if I was dreaming or if there was some other good reason I had agreed to work on my wedding day
17. I called my boss to find out what time I should be there
18. She said 8:30 and that unfortunately my cake had been switched from a white cake with cocoa nibs to noodle kugel
19. I tried to find a ride over the Verrazano bridge
20. I took a quick shower in some lawn sprinklers
21. I finally got in someone’s station wagon to go to work
22. I was freaking out that I was going to be late
June 10, 2012 at 8:57pm
Things That Make Me Worry About My Adult Status
1. When I have to wash dishes in the bathtub
2. When I have to make myself stop eating potato chips and eat a nutritious dinner of cereal
3. When I try to think of people who owe me money and can only think of people I owe money
4. When I amass so much laundry that there is no way to carry it to the laundromat in one trip
5. When I amass so much laundry that there is no way to carry it in two trips
6. When National Grid does that thing where they call me five times a day
7. When I jump up and down on my fire escape to make sure it’s sturdy
8. When my cat bites the bottom of my foot and I hope that the infection goes away on its own
9. When I adopt a cat from the street and insist that his biting problem has improved in the last six months
10. When compost takes up more than half of my freezer
11. When orange juice is my main source of fruits and vegetables
12. When my dog is happy to get water
13. When my dog expects to be served pancakes and ice cream
14. When I think it’s funny to serve dog cookies to someone I am trying to date
15. When I lose rings in my apartment
16. When I lose my passport, hopefully in my apartment
17. When I am late to work because I couldn’t stop watching Friday Night Lights
18. When I spend my last $140 on a fountain for my cat because I think it will make him like me
19. When Tupperware gets melted on the stove
20. When I owe the library more than the book is worth
21. When I treat myself to a little extra Dimetapp
April 15, 2012 at 10:57am
Condensed Version of Another Dream
1. I gave birth to a baby.
2. The baby turned into a dog.
3. The dog had a neck like a protoceratops.
Things That Happened in Allison’s Dream a Few Days Before My Kiss Dream!
As emailed by Allison, adapted for list and converted to third person by Lauren
1. She arrived at a family reunion with a guy.
2. Everything felt wrong.
3. He dropped her off at a dirt path.
4. She picked up her bike that was waiting for her.
5. She drove to a house up the hill.
6. She watched him drive away and wondered if they were in a fight.
7. She picked up her bike and ran over the bridge.
8. On the other side was a park where her whole family was grilling and waiting for her.
9. They were happy to see her.
10. They ate breakfast at tables with white tablecloths.
11. She was suddenly worried about what happened to the guy.
12. She ran back over the bridge, but she just couldn’t go fast enough.
13. When she got to the main road he pulled up in a different car.
14. He motioned for her to come to the window.
15. He handed her a gun.
16. He said, “You’ll need this, I’m so sorry.”
17. He drove away.
18. Then another car arrived, full of angry men, also with guns.
19. They wanted to kill her.
20. She turned around and me and my brother were hiding in the ditch behind her.
21. We pulled her down and we covered ourselves in leaves.
22. I took the gun because I knew how to use it.
23. She felt safe.
The rest was kind of a blur:
24. They chased us.
25. We had to run on these narrow concrete piers in the middle of a huge lake surrounded by caves.
26. Carl wasn’t with us anymore.
27. Eventually we climbed up a muddy hill and we were safe at the waterfall near Red Oaks Mill.
Things That Happened In My Kiss Dream
1. I was hanging out with Allison and with a guy.
2. We were eating pizza.
3. Allison and the guy made fun of me about something.
4. I told them to stop.
5. Allison stopped and the guy didn’t.
6. We got in a huge screaming fight.
7. I tried to chase him out the door of the house but he wouldn’t leave.
8. I got scared and yelled to Allison to get the gun.
9. Allison came out with the gun.
10. She pointed it at the guy and told him to get out.
11. He got out.
12. It turned out the house was in kind of a compound.
13. My grandma was there and she was very upset about the yelling.
14. It wasn’t really my grandma but an actress playing her.
15. It was Vanessa Redgrave.
16. Some people were there who were my cousins.
17. The comforted my “grandma.”
18. Allison and I went to a spa or a pool.
19. I had to take my boots off.
20. I wished I had my Spa Castle slippers.
21. We realized we need to be Kiss for a show.
22. We went to get materials and came back.
23. The spa turned out to be some kind of mountain in a parking lot.
24. There was a Marshall’s in the plaza so we went there to get some makeup.
25. We found a set of clown makeup.
26. Al was one of the members who I thought was named Wayne.
27. I was one who I thought was named Wale.
28. I was going to be someone else but then I realized I had black hair with a half ponytail so I had to be Wale (who I now know is named Gene Simmons).
29. From Allison’s face makeup I knew she was the main guy (who I now know is also named Gene Simmons).
30. We had a third person but not a fourth.
31. We got to our school which looked like a castle.
32. The headmistress didn’t want to let us in.
33. We got in some kind of brawl with some people.
34. We were wearing school uniforms.
35. We got to the talent show but we didn’t perform before the dream ended.
Things That Happened In My Prince Harry Dream
1. I was hanging out with my friend Phil.
2. He went to get us lunch.
3. While he was out I left to meet prince Harry. I can’t remember if he contacted me on the phone or via telepathy.
4. I developed a crush on prince Harry.* He was very charming.
5. He left to get us lunch.
6. I went to the bookstore to look at a book because I needed to see a line of a poem.**
7. The store turned into a Rite Aid and all the Christmas stuff was 85% off.
8. I called my friend Kat to discuss what I would buy. We settled on something I can’t remember and a several pound package of curling ribbon.
9. Back at wherever I was hanging out with the prince, I watched from the window as he went into the bookstore.
10. He came back up and accused me of not having gone to the bookstore to look at the poem. He asked them.
11. I told him I did but I didn’t buy the book.
12. We had a fight about how I would need to have a real career of my own if we were going to end up together.
13. He got over it and took out the sandwiches.
14. I thought we were going to share the sandwiches but it turned out there was a man’s sandwich for him and a woman’s sandwich for me. Fortunately the woman’s sandwich was PB and J.
15. Phil texted thinking I was dead.
16. Lunch ended and prince Harry and I agreed to go out later.
17. I turned into my friend Sarah and watched her go out with him.
18. They drove by some prostitutes and Sarah explained to prince Harry what they were doing.
19. A short time later the prince disappeared.
20. The queen claimed prince Harry pretended to like me so that he could get out of the palace or wherever he was apparently being held against his will.
*Somehow, despite the red hair
**Dream’s “Least Likely” award
1. This almost happened in real life as Prince Harry was at a race I ran last year.
2. I am never looking at People.com before bed again.
Lessons I Learned Last Night
1. If someone asks you to go to a gay porn party, they may have said gay Purim party.
2. When you get there, if you see someone you’ve met before, he will be very excited to see you and touch you very, very intimately.
3. He will be 21.
4. He will be wearing a sailor costume.
5. When you see him again on the way to check your coat, he will dip you into a sailor kiss, but since you aren’t expecting it and are twice his size, you will almost fall over.
6. Later, if you get tired, do not lie down on a bench with a nice cushion. Security will threaten to kick you out because you are so drunk.
7. They will not believe you that the reason for your nap is that it’s six hours past your bedtime and also you are in a food coma.
8. Never, ever check your coat or your leftovers. If you do, there will be a 200-person line to get them back.
9. You will be on that line from 3:00 am to 4:00 am.
10. If the coat check line includes stairs, the person behind you will think it’s acceptable to stand on the same ten-inch stair as you, not next to you, but directly behind you, with his feet in between yours.
11. If your yellow cab driver doesn’t take credit cards, he will probably also open his door to spit at every stoplight, and he will probably also have to accelerate to 80 miles per hour between stoplights, because that will get you to your destination faster.
12. When you get home your dog will think it’s morning time and want to play “If I Bark at the Ball Under the Couch You Will Get It Out for Me.”