Lessons I Learned Last Night
1. If someone asks you to go to a gay porn party, they may have said gay Purim party.
2. When you get there, if you see someone you’ve met before, he will be very excited to see you and touch you very, very intimately.
3. He will be 21.
4. He will be wearing a sailor costume.
5. When you see him again on the way to check your coat, he will dip you into a sailor kiss, but since you aren’t expecting it and are twice his size, you will almost fall over.
6. Later, if you get tired, do not lie down on a bench with a nice cushion. Security will threaten to kick you out because you are so drunk.
7. They will not believe you that the reason for your nap is that it’s six hours past your bedtime and also you are in a food coma.
8. Never, ever check your coat or your leftovers. If you do, there will be a 200-person line to get them back.
9. You will be on that line from 3:00 am to 4:00 am.
10. If the coat check line includes stairs, the person behind you will think it’s acceptable to stand on the same ten-inch stair as you, not next to you, but directly behind you, with his feet in between yours.
11. If your yellow cab driver doesn’t take credit cards, he will probably also open his door to spit at every stoplight, and he will probably also have to accelerate to 80 miles per hour between stoplights, because that will get you to your destination faster.
12. When you get home your dog will think it’s morning time and want to play “If I Bark at the Ball Under the Couch You Will Get It Out for Me.”